Thanks For The Memories

Ever since I moved to Tennessee I inevitably run into the questions about our reasoning for the move.  It's funny how predictable the questions are based on who is asking.  From the Cali peeps I get asked "What do you miss the most about CA?" or "Sucks not to have good Mexican food, eh?"  And the Tennessee folks typically inquire "WHY would you leave Southern California to come HERE?"

I've found that most of the people in the south have a Hollywood idea of what So Cal is all about.  To them, we're endless strolling along the beaches, while surfing and hob-nobbing with celebrities.  They think that LA is the most intriguing city and that Hollywood itself is glamorous.  I chuckle when I hear this and try not to sound condescending when I correct them.

Since we've been here for nearly two years now, the newness has worn off and I finally feel settled.  This has allowed me the perspective needed to answers these questions with an equal amount of honesty and information.  To that end, here are a couple of lists, intended to help everyone understand.

I've left out the obvious, like missing family and friends.  I'll assume that you'll assume that is a given.

What I Miss About CA:

1. Mountains.  REAL mountains.

 Nice, high, beautiful mountains. You don't see this amongst the rolling hills of Tennessee.  Yes, I know that we have The Great Smokey Mountains, but for some perspective, the peak of the Smokey Mountains is just slightly higher than the elevation of Oak Glen; that does not a mountain make, in my opinion.

2. Disneyland

 So Cal peeps: Please, I implore you, do not take for granted your ability to jaunt down to Disney on a whim.  Truly, one of the most special places on earth, I sorely miss being able to enjoy the Magic Kingdom on a regular basis.

3. Roads that make sense.

  

I never realized what a privileged it was to live in a place where the roads were laid out with some kind of logic.  If I want to go east, I take a freeway headed east.  Seems normal, right?  Not here in Tennessee.  Here the roads developed organically, in a sort of free form flow, as the areas in and around the old plantations/farms grew.  There is no direct route anywhere.  If you are trying to get from one place to another, you may literally have to go over the river and through the woods to get to grandmother's house.  CA roads developed post automobile, so they were all designed with vehicles in mind.  Not the case in TN.  You MUST know where you are going or you will get lost, go 40 miles out of the way, and possibly cry before you make it to your destination.

4. The California Coastline.

There is truly nothing else in the world like the coast of California.  I'm not just talking about the beach.  I mean the coastline itself....stunning. Also, the feel you get while strolling down main street in any of the beach communities. The Golden state earns its name along the sun baked shores.

5. So. Cal Cuisine.

Del Taco, El Pollo Loco, Souplantation and, of course, In and Out.  Do not underestimate the narcotic effect and impending withdrawal you will have when you move to the south and can no longer get a packet of mild sauce, or a Double Double.  

6. Glorious, fresh produce.

The fruits and veggies that I purchase 'fresh' from the store here look like the ones that I'd throw out or at least throw into the compost heap in CA.  My friend Julie warned me about this when I was about to move...scary how right she was.  And to add salt to the wound, produce costs nearly double what it does in CA.  Odd.



On the flip side, here are a few things from which I have gleefully fled as a result of my departure from California:

1) Air that you can see.

One negative aspect of those huge mountains that I love is how they trap in all the crappy smog and leave us breathing nastiness.  Now, to be fair, the air quality in CA is much, much better than it was when I was a kid, but it is still nice to live in a place where the only thing visible in the sky is clouds or planes.

2. Miles and miles of parking lots masquerading as freeways.

Sure, we have traffic heading into Nashville but it is nothing like you experience in California.  There isn't ever a need to listen to a traffic report before you head out for your destination (good thing, since there usually isn't an alternate route anyway) and you generally don't have to add minutes to your commute when deciding what time to leave in TN.  "How long does it take to get there? 20 minutes, unless there is traffic."  We've all said it and there is ALWAYS traffic.

3.  The outrageous cost of living.

It seems impossible how much easier it is to afford life in Tennessee.  The cost of living here is so reasonable, it takes some getting used to when you come from CA.  

4. Bilingual......everything.

Refreshing; it is indescribably wonderful living in a land where English (or, at least what passes as English in the country) is spoken, written, read without incident.  Even the immigrants speak English.  What a concept.  

5. Stucco as far as the eye can see.

I noticed this the first time I went back to CA after the move.  You grow up in a place and you don't notice something as unassuming as building materials.  But there isn't any stucco in Tennessee; here we have brick, brick everywhere and I love it. It feels traditional and classy.  

All in all I am learning and living the 'southern' way of life and am loving it.  I can make some mean biscuits and gravy, I've learned to slow down.  Finally I'm in a place where my talking to random people on the streets is not met with bizarre looks and eye rolls.  I could do without the humidity, but I am elated to experience all four seasons.  The move to Tennessee is the best thing that we have done for ourselves and our family as a whole.  I love it here and, in spite of the occasional questions from others, I hardly ever think about California anymore.  Unless I am hungry.  Then I pine over the bean and cheese burritos from Del Taco.

Her Frozen Heart

Okay, my turn...

I want it on the record that I believe our differences are what make life interesting.  If we were all the same life would be incredibly boring.  We've been lucky enough in our life to be surrounded by close friends and family who have physical disabilities, are different races, etc. so that is our normalcy.  And as a result I've always taught Gianna that the way people look, sound, etc. isn't how we judge people, but we judge people by the way they treat other people, because that is an indication of their heart.

Based on this personal philosophy I really dislike the character Elsa from Frozen.  I think she is a pretty crappy person for the majority of the movie, although she does redeem herself, so I appreciate her in the end. But if I were to pick a character for my child to emulate, it certainly wouldn't be her.

Let's start with this very basic premise about the movie Frozen; the parents are nuts.  Any parent who has a child who is different in some way and tells them to hide it because they are scared, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. is just sick and/or evil.  So, initially I feel sorry for Elsa because she is not given any empathy about her uniqueness or taught to embrace what makes her special.  I think this is far too common in our society.  It is okay to be different. I WANT my kid to be different. And I want her to see differences as positive, normal and valuable, whether that be her crooked smile, her desire to wear 'uncool' attire, or her willingness to tell her friends that they are goobers for sneaking out to drink when they are in high school.  Different is fine.  Different is good.  Elsa, unfortunately, didn't have parents who endorsed this philosophy, and that is tragic.

But, at some point we have to take responsibility for our own lives and our own actions.  At some point, the bad decisions of our parents become ours to either correct or continue.  We all have the freedom to make choices in our lives. After Elsa and Anna's parents die, Elsa chooses to keep herself, and her sister, in self imposed isolation; choosing not to open up...choosing to remain a victim of her parents misguided decisions.  As a friend who blogged about this same topic so eloquently pointed out, Elsa was now the queen.  She was in charge of her life, her decisions and the kingdom.  Did she choose to right the wrong of her parents when they died?  No.  After six month, a year, three years? No.  She CHOOSE to continue to live a life of solitude, thereby forcing that life onto her sister as well, creating the cliche and far too common cycle of dysfunction.  Her parents forced her into solitude and she forced her sister into solitude.

Maybe if Elsa had developed a relationship with her sister she wouldn't have to be afraid and would have been able to learn to control her gift, and Anna wouldn't have been so desperate to seek validation and love in the arms of the first stranger she met once the gates were open.  Maybe if Elsa had put her sister first and taken the time to regain a closeness and connection with Anna she would have had the opportunity to develop her powers for the good of everyone around her.  Instead, she continues to shut everyone out under the misguided delusion that she is saving them. Then she runs away after the coronation.  Yes, she feels afraid that she'll hurt people, which is why she flees but in doing so she perpetuates the cycle of isolation because she is condemning Anna to the same life of loneliness that her parents imposed on her.

She never gives Anna the benefit of the doubt, a courtesy that Anna always extends to Elsa. She never seeks out Anna to talk to her, share with her, discuss with her, find out Anna's thoughts, ideas, etc.
"No right, no wrong, no rules for me".......wow.  I understand that she is feeling the freedom to be herself for the first time, but the herself she is choosing to be is perpetually selfish.  She gives no thought to Anna, no thought to her kingdom, she is going to be 'herself', everyone else be damned.  She has always been isolated, but once given the freedom to make decisions without consequence, she chooses to continue that isolation, not just for herself, but for Anna too.  Living without rules isn't freedom, it's anarchy.  She never tried to be herself, she tried to be perfect and when she couldn't achieve the unachievable, she just decides to do what she wants, like a bratty child.  Yes, she is an adult.  Yes, she is the queen.  But she behaves like a self-centered child.

I recognize that the mistakes of parents can leave a strong imprint on our lives causing us to make poor decisions.  And to that end, I can empathize with Elsa's need to feel temporarily selfish, to reorient her life for the ultimate betterment of everyone (kinda like on a plane put the mask on yourself first because you have to be healthy in order to help other people) but I take offense at the fact that the song she sings during this period has been turned into an anthem, as though it is a mindset that we should seek to maintain.  I find that troubling.  And, I kept waiting for the character to make the right decision; to realize that, while well intentioned, she has been doing the wrong thing for everyone.  But it never seems to happen.

Now, Anna, she is the true heroine, if you ask me.  She is kind and giving and she puts her sister first, defending her to the people who misunderstand Elsa, even though Elsa has never extended her that courtesy.  Anna gives Elsa the benefit of the doubt, while Elsa is busy being herself not even bothering to think of Anna.  She finally makes it to the castle, after almost getting killed, and she is stunned by the beauty of her sister's creation.  No negativity, no judging, she is thrilled to be with her sister who is so stuck in what she wants/desires that she won't even let her sister finish speaking.  Then, when Elsa hears what her actions created, instead of seeking out a way to rectify the situation she responds narcissistically again and exclaims "I'll never be free", somehow thinking that freedom means being able to do whatever we want. And here is the root of the problem: the misguided notion that just because I FEEL something I am entitled to behave however I want to justify those feelings.  WRONG! She's spent her life not feeling and concealing and it has gotten her in nothing but trouble, so instead of taking the time to think outside of herself for once, and listening to her sister who loves her and has sacrificed for her, Elsa strikes out again, hurting her sister and builds a snow beast (who also dies trying to defend her) and chases them away so that she can be alone again.  At what point does someone make the transition to a person who makes bad decisions to just being a bad person?  What does it take in our society to get people to acknowledge that not every thought, feeling, action we have is justified or appropriate?  If I FEEL like lashing out and hurting someone, is that supposed to be okay?  Absolutely not.

Anna tries to help Elsa, Kristoff helps Anna, Olaf helps Anna....heck, even Hans does some good to help. Elsa just thinks about Elsa.  Even when faced with the nasty truth of who Hans is, Anna thinks and speaks highly of Elsa.  Elsa never tries to get to Anna or help her, or even think of her.  She just runs away.  Down to the very last moment Anna puts Elsa before herself.  That is true love.  And the true love that saves the day is Anna's love for Elsa, not Elsa's love for Anna.  So to the very end, Elsa is so stuck on herself that she has to have her sister die before she thinks of someone besides herself.  Wow.  Pretty crappy.  At least she did finally make the realization.  She does finally understand that selfless love is what brings us true happiness.  But it might have been nice to have her at least apologize to her sister and admit that she had been wrong.  She never accepts responsibility for her actions, for hurting her sister, for causing her to die even.  Even in her rectification she is not selfless enough to say she is sorry.

And what comes of the popularity of this movie?  People put Elsa on a pedestal?  They belt out her self-centered anthem as though it is something noble. I will never understand that.  I don't have a problem with the song in the arc of the character's development, but I stand by my opinion that it is singularly a terrible message.

Good ole' Olaf gets it and sums it up quite nicely: "True love is putting someone elses needs before your own."  Yes.  Putting someone elses needs before your desire to be 'free'. I adore the movie Frozen for its visual beauty, its incredible soundtrack, its dry wit and willingness to poke fun of the Disney concept of true love, and ultimately how is does give us a shining example of self sacrifice in Anna, the character who sets out to think of others before herself every step of the way.